A loss in our family

As has been my way lately, I haven't blogged in ages.  But today I feel like writing.

On April 1st I took a pregnancy test (or maybe 4) and discovered that we were expecting baby number three!  And since I am obviously terrible at keeping a secret we waited a whole two days before everyone found out because it's oh so exciting and also my aunt guessed it.  I wrapped up Christmas presents for my mom and Bryce's parents to tell them the news because by my estimation we were due December 13th, just before Christmas!  A sweet new baby at Christmas!  I finally made an appointment with my Dr. at about 8 weeks, he said I was measuring right on schedule but wanted to do an ultrasound to double check dates.

 So on Tuesday of this week we went in for an ultrasound, Bryce and the kids' came and we were going to use this opportunity to see the new baby and tell the kids the news!  But the ultrasound tech looked and looked and didn't show me a heartbeat, she looked and looked some more.  I started to wonder...finally after she looked and looked again she said "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat" I burst in to tears.  Weirdly the night before I had started preparing myself for this possibility which I had never done before when pregnant with the other two.  Of course my Dr. was at the hospital and so I had to see the on-call Dr, who was wonderful.  He of course knew just what to say and wasn't phased at all by the tears we cried in the little examining room.  As I waited for blood work my mom called and I told her what had happened, I should have been 9 weeks but baby measured 8 weeks.  We went home, and my mom met us there shortly after.  I called my friend, the one who had also had a miscarriage and was waiting to hear from me.  She cried with me on the phone.  My mom arrived and it was a beautiful day.  We sat in the sun ALL afternoon.  We talked about how lucky we are to have two children, and that we get pregnant easily.  We are sad, but we are not devastated.  This baby wasn't meant to come home with us but we will have one soon that is.  We sat in the sun and I sunburned my shoulders and ate delicious pizza with my family.  I called a few close friends and family who knew and told them the news. We scheduled an appointment for a D&C, I was fearful of waiting for things to happen on their own, and sometimes even when they do a D&C is still necessary.  I folded clothes.

At my store this week I met more mom's due in December, mom's talking about their ultrasounds and their babies and their due dates.  I smiled and was excited for them, all of them.  I told them we have two children and hope to have a third one day.

This morning, Friday, I met my Dr at the hospital at 6 a.m. He was sad for me and so kind.  Every nurse and Dr. was so nice and understanding and just really lovely. The procedure went smoothly, I woke up feeling totally fine.  I came home and ate a horribly delicious lunch and a milk shake and laid on the couch watching Harry Potter until the pain pill made me fall asleep. Our friends and family have been amazing, helping, jumping in and taking over, watching the store for me, taking our kids, checking on me.  It is sad situation, but it is amazing and wonderful to feel how much people love you.  We will miss holding our new baby at Christmas, but we are ok.  We can handle this and get through it, and bring home a third baby when the time is right.  We understand this is how things work out sometimes, and while we would love to wish it all away, we will deal with it and get through it, and continue to be grateful for the children we do have and all the family and friends and of course each other which will help us all through this.